Your Angel of Mud
by Another Toy
Summary: Daisuke decides to get some things off his mind by writing to Hikari. (Mentioned Takari)


Your Angel of Mud  
by: Evil Mellow15  
  
A/N: This fic goes way ooc for everyone in here, I just got bored once again and had to do this kind of fic. Anyways Hikari's 17 and so is Daisuke. It's kinda weird to read, but it shifts between Daisuke telling the story and Daisuke talking i guess to Hikari. It's kinda like a letter i guess  
  
  
Hikari,  
  
I remember all the faces of fear from my past and yet I can't stop them from turning me over endlessly in my dreams. I still want those wings, I need those wings. God if only she could see me now fighting endlessly against the fact that I haven't slept much or that I still love the part of me who is willing to give up. I wasn't in the mood for her smile but I lived through it all. Making her believe that im okay, that im healthy. Im the sickest person in my family I know that.   
  
But does the word family even exist in my mind? NO! Damn this all NO! It would be simpler to just stop it all now and leave but Hikari said not to Hikari said don't. Why should I listen her anymore? I know im just someone how causes her trouble it probably would've been better if she had never met me in the first place. It would've been better I can tell. She wouldn't have to worry about me and all the dumbass things I plan on doing.   
  
Meh.   
  
She said she loved me. Why? How can you love mud but yet not be as screwed up as me? Mud is dirty, it's not pure, you can't see through it, mud is dangerous, and that's only cause you can slip when you walk on it. Have you ever slipped on mud Hikari? Have you tread as deep in mud as I Hikari? Just to find out in the end that your pure white shoes are now brown and ugly? When you met me I bet you did.   
  
Yet sadly Hikari Im crying, not for joy but sorrow, I aided in making things wrong. Sometimes Hikari when I can't sleep I think of you and how you care about everyone, how you do your best to please everyone, how your smile can confuse even the best of them and how you remind me so much of the Angel of Light. Caring, sweet, beautiful, oh I'm sure the list could go on.  
  
Hey Hikari do you remember that one summer when I first met you and I'd go to your house? I loved those days the best. Even then you were still the kind person you are now. I think it was that one-day that you tackled me to the floor just get a pen from my grasp is the day I fell in love w/ you. When you got that pen you wrote all over my arms. I can't even remember what the things said. I do remember though that after awhile you took me to the sink and you just started washing my arms off. Your touch was gentle your smile even though small was sweet, yes I think that's the day I fell in love with you. I left your house early that day though; do you know why? It was because I was disgusted with myself. I shouldn't feel that way about you. Because you had Takeru and I knew it.  
  
Then about a year and a half later I went to your house again. Not to visit but just to get away from it all. We were in your backyard thing and you made the comment about me being an angel. Did I hear you right Hikari? This single puddle of brown thick mud an angel? Is that possible? Oh good gods Hikari how I laugh at that comment now. For you see I am a angel just a fallen one. I know that true Angels want nothing to do with mud for it is dirty, it's not pure like I said. You gave me two things that day, my empty coffee can and a coffee cup. I still have that cup. I love that cup. I must sound crazy. Did you know Hikari that during Winter sometimes when I was really sad and you would try to talk to me I would just hate the idea of you talking to me? You made me sad Hikari. Cause instead of poor little Daisuke you had chosen the great Takeru.  
  
I like Takeru as a friend yes with all my heart but you! You made me hate him! How could I treat my friend with such disrespect? There was one day in particular that I can clearly bring up though. We sat at the lunch table with all our other friends. I was sad as usual, and you face me and write on your hand, "I need to talk to you" I thought you were going to get angry with me for the lack of respect I gave my friend. but no instead that's exactly what the topic was. "My good friend Takeru" you asked me why he wasn't acting right towards you. I didn't want to say much cause I didn't know much. I had my friend and I loved you. How could I destroy you both? All during Winter I cried when I went to sleep. Because you had him and he had you. It didn't last long though. I'm sorry.  
  
Now that I'm older Hikari I think of all the times you've made my life worth living. The day you gave me my first Offspring cd. I love that cd now. I listened to it the whole time I was in the airport. I got to listen to it a few times too while I was at the "mental center" Im not crazy, my mind just thinks I am. The day you hugged me after your basketball practice cause I was so sad I didn't care who saw me cry. Or the way I knew it was you on the phone cause you always said "Hey." The way you say Hi to me in hallways. The way you cared. Maybe it's just you in general that keeps my life worth living. I think it is.  
  
I remember once I let it slip out at the fact I liked it when you hugged me or whatever cause I felt this sense of security from you. You didn't hear the whole story and you kept bothering me to give you the truth. Finally I told you the truth. I cried that night when I went to bed. You know why? It wasn't cause I was sad, but I was hurt. You called me that same night that I was supposed to tell you the truth. I told you even God knows I told you. I asked you "Why did it matter to you?" and you hurt me so badly I kept wondering if you would ever figure out what you said that made me feel like shit, like I was worthless. Well you said, "Because I was curious." I could've just shot myself when you made that remark.  
  
Enough of how I felt when I was around you Hikari, I think I should start on how I felt for you when your issues were present. More like when you were sad ,angry, and weak. I remember one time you got angry with me 'cause I slashed my wrist. You knew why I was doing it therefore you became angry with me. I hated seeing you angry especially with me. I felt that way cause I had the idea that I was pathetic when compared to you. I tried not to make you angry but blood was my rush and therefore so were my constant brushings with death. I always felt like I failed you when you got angry with me. When you were sad once you called me, I went to your house and I said what I knew. I was faithful I wouldn't let one of the stronger people come crashing down because of a fear. When you were sad I couldn't think of why you had reason to be sad. But then again I guess everyone has their right to emotions.  
  
One day though Hikari you scared the shit out of me. You told me that you had eating disorders. I knew what those were Hikari. And for once I was scared enough to just not know what to say or do. I thought about why you would have that sickness. Why would you want to end up looking sickly. I've looked up information on that sickness a lot of people die from it. That's what scared me Hikari. I didn't want you to die because of the way you viewed yourself. When I'd read your notes that you'd give me and you'd tell me about how hard it was to keep a meal down or how you couldn't stop eating so much junk food. I was scared I wanted to run from this all. I wouldn't though cause I couldn't leave you behind. That would be wrong.  
  
I know that very few times you were weak. At the time though your weakness was alcohol. Why'd you even start with that stuff? You'd talk about how much you could drink. Did this drinking ever effect you badly? I don't really know you started to talk to me and the others less. So I wouldn't know. I wanted you to stop drinking though Hikari. Cause I knew that that shit could also kill. I couldn't let you go then either. That would hurt to know you died from something I hate.  
  
Awhile later though I think something happened that made you quit though. I wasn't sure what it was, so much was happening at that time that I didn't keep track of it all. I wonder how me ,of all people missed it. Truth was Hikari, I fell into the same trap as you did. Mine was worse though, way worse. I know you remember. You saw me go to school in my weakness. I quit though Hikari, a friend of mine made a wish and on his wish I acted. I quit, for good. Or so I thought...I never wanted to plunged into a world of darkness yet here I am, still trying to be freed from whatever it is that's holding me back.  
  
Turning the tables back to where I am right now Hikari, I miss you. I don't know how I can say such things but I miss you. I hope that somewhere in this world I'll find some other person who will at least make me happy for what she can. I know I will never be truly happy though cause the person wouldn't be you. I can only feel safety when within your hold. I can only feel happiness when your smile is for me and the rest of the world. I can only feel complete when I know that it is you that is beside me. I'll live my life till the end I hope. In this life though I will never find another you. You are the only one who ever made my life worth living, you are the only one in my sad, shallow and dark little life that has ever cared and actually told me that you loved me. Well Hikari I love you too. With all that I could ever manage to have, and all that I'm ever willing to give. I say this all because I know I mean this one statement as much as I could ever mean it.. Even if you never return my actual feelings I wouldn't care as long as you still thought that Mud could be an Angel.  
  
I love You Hikari.  
Daisuke MoTomiya  
  
  
End  
  
A/n2: Hmm...it almost came out the way I wanted it. Oh well....Any questions, comments, flames? Just review. Later! 


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